


Catharsis

by bericdondarrion



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Disorder, Be mindful of the tags basically covid anxiety and trauma, COVID 19, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, just Levi having a breakdown the usual, references to self harm and eating disorders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24657058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bericdondarrion/pseuds/bericdondarrion
Summary: Levi isn’t doing so well locked during the pandemic but Erwin is there and the sun is shining outside.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> Please be careful proceeding. We all know Levi would have the hardest time during the covid pandemic, he’s a catharsis exercise disguised as a character study.

Levi took a deep breath as he dried off that particular dish for the third time in a row, just as he had done with the other 10 dishes and the ones inside the cupboard and the ones before that.

It had been alright the first two weeks, fun even. The first day he sealed off and disinfected the entire apartment, one, two and three times and then one last time. He cleaned the door frame and the door knob meticulously, he forced Erwin to strip down to his boxers before coming inside the house, sent him directly into the shower and didn’t allow him to leave it before he himself made sure he was scrubbing properly. He picked up the clothes using his 9th pair of plastic gloves of the day and put them inside the washing machine. And when it was done he disinfected the machine itself. 

Erwin waited patiently, careful not to touch anything, giving Levi all the space he needed and not getting in the way because he knew Levi needed to do this before he could give himself a chance to feel safe, that was ok, he had time.

After making sure the apartment was as clean as anything was gonna get, he took off his clothes, placed them inside a bag that he meant to throw away and stepped inside the shower himself and scrubbed and rubbed and rubbed until his arms were bleeding and even then he thought,  _ I’m dirty _ , and scrubbed again. 

_ 10 more minutes _ , he heard a firm yet somehow kind voice and he sighed, he couldn’t argue, it was part of their agreement. 

10 more minutes, no less than that, Levi was out of the shower and 4 hours later he was finally content with the apartment. Then he placed the bag outside the door for the trash service to pick up and closed the door. He sealed it with industrial duct tape, from the top to the bottom, dropped to his knees and closed his eyes. 

Then he felt long arms around his waist and he tried to imagine the uncomfortable position the giant was trying right then but he didn’t turn around nor open his eyes. They stayed there for a few minutes, listening to each other's respiration, Levi getting off the peak of his anxiety and Erwin helping him do so. 

That virus thing won’t get in there and they won’t go out. Erwin’s job at the bank allowed him to work from home and Levi had quit his as soon as the first case was confirmed in the country, he wasn’t taking any chances. There weren’t gonna be any classes any time soon anyway. They had their savings and Erwin’s salary was enough for the two of them and Levi was going to be busy, cleaning and making sure Erwin stayed safe and hoping, praying, their friends did too. 

He thought of Hange and shivered. That idiot was capable of getting the virus on purpose just to experience the symptoms themselves. He shivered unable to shake off the imagery of Hange lying on a hospital bed with so many germs and viruses and -

“Hange will be fine” - Erwin whispered close to his ear, he hated that. He stood up and went to look around for something to clean.

That had been 3 months ago. And it was fine - ok - for a while but now, now it was different. He missed his routines.

Before (weeks into lockdown) he could buy into the concept of “its clean you are clean it’s enough” after a few hours, then it took days, day and night until Erwin had to get up and yell and then Levi was screaming that it wasn’t enough and he was crying and not even them could stand it.

They had sex of course, specially after fighting, messy and quick so that Levi didn’t have time nor energy to think of all the potential hazardous factors of the concept of having sex during a pandemic.  _ There are none _ , Erwin would argue,  _ we haven’t left the apartment in months _ .

_ We got groceries delivered and that brat carrying them looked like he hadn’t showered in a week.  _

After 3 months like that Levi wanted to cry for no reason, he couldn’t explain it and what the fuck honestly what the fuck. He missed his friends, he missed Hange’s loud screaming while getting drunk on a Friday night, Hange who by the way, contracted the virus 4 weeks into lockdown and Levi couldn’t sleep until they confirmed they were out of the hospital. 

He missed working out, he missed the feeling of releasing the stress of the day and the way the sweat would wash off under hot water.

He missed going to school to teach the brats and their yelling and their bickering over who had the best Instagram or whatever nonsense they had going that day.

He was tired of fighting with Erwin and worrying and cleaning. For the first time of his life, he was tired of cleaning and he just wanted it to be over already.

So he’d sit there and cry in silence because he didn’t want to disturb Erwin while he was working and if he asked him what was wrong he would’ve said: I don’t know.

He was going crazy, he was gonna kill himself before they could find a cure.

Yes, he was miserable and he imagined that that was the case with half of the world while the other half was infected. He didn’t dare to look at the numbers anymore. 

That day he ate too much and then made sure to vomit it all and went to bed, entwined his fingers with Erwin’s and felt disgusting. 

“I’m sorry”, he said during breakfast the next morning, unsure of what he was apologizing for,

“‘Me too”, said Erwin, and “I love you so much”,

They looked for a therapist online that afternoon.

After 5 months the lockdown had been lifted but Levi couldn’t. He wanted to go out but he wasn’t sure he wanted to adapt to this “new normality”, he hated that concept, he wanted his life back.

When Erwin fucked him that night, it was careful and slowly, he took his time and Levi didn’t mind, just that once he wanted to pretend that everything was alright.

It took another month and Erwin repeating “it's ok, you are clean, we are healthy” roughly 17 times before he could step outside. He could see the bags under Erwin’s eyes and Levi whispered “I’m sorry” one more time. He didn’t believe it would be ok, but he had stopped purging weeks ago and peeling the skin off his fingers. When he stepped outside the complex and the sun blinded him for a minute or so, he felt relieved for the first time in half a year. Maybe. 


End file.
